Sunshine At Dusk (Part I of IV)

Sunshine at Dusk

Scripted by

Ram Murali

It was a glorious afternoon in Pittsburgh, the sunny skies lighting up the stage for a gracefully executed dance between the balmy winds and the leaves of a handful of trees. The audience for this performance at the lawns next to the Public Library included Shiva, a 25-year-old Programmer who had taken some time during his lunch break to write this letter in his greeting card for Banu on the eve of her 23^rd birthday.

---

To my dear Banu, Apr 30th, 2005

Wish you many more happy returns of the day!

To feel humbled by a person’s affection is a rare, almost indescribable feeling. That’s because very few people are gifted with the qualities you possess, like your genuineness, your way with words, your kind gestures and above all, your quiet dignity in the face of troubles (I knew I could bring ‘ice’ to Pittsburgh even in April!). These are all qualities that made Chithra Ma proud of her “chella ponnu” and I am sure that even now she must be smiling from up above, with immense pride, at how her daughter gets these compliments on her birthday.

I’ll also take this opportunity to say “Congrats!” on super-successfully finishing your Masters (though I’ll never forgive you for the B+ in Algos, Ms. 3.89!). And of course, good luck for making sure that your company files for its IPO soon after you join! Jokes apart, I hope you have a year filled with utmost joy, for you deserve that and much more.

Once again, a very, very happy birthday to you! I’m going to miss you a lot, Banu.

With lots of affection,

Shiva

---

Realizing that he had to get to back to work (he worked for a fledgling Software Research firm, located a mile from the Carnegie Mellon campus) soon, Shiva placed a call to his girlfriend Jothi, a Masters student at Carnegie Mellon’s business school, who was graduating the following week.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Jo!”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hmm, nothing much. Just finished preparing the card for Banu. Was going to get back to work now but thought I’d chat with you for a few minutes.”

“Hey, listen. I have this huge pile of exams that I have to finish grading by this evening. I’ll talk later.”

“That’s cool. But…are you doing okay? Because, you sound a little different.”

“Well…no, not really, I mean, I’m just busy now. I got to get going, Shiva. I’ll call later.”

“Hmm…okay, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay, bye.”

***

That evening, Shiva, along with a few of their friends, went about organizing the two-bedroom Squirrel Hill apartment that he and Banu shared, for the “Midnight party,” a ritual among their group that included the birthday ‘star’ being smeared with ice-cream cake all over his or her face; the phone working fast and furiously in the hour past midnight, thanks to calls from family and friends, all trying their best to wish the person in the midst of the din created by the folks at the party; and the group of friends—with bank balances rarely, if ever, exceeding three figures--putting together enough money to buy one expensive, exclusive gift. For Banu’s birthday, Shiva, Jothi and their friends, had bought her a pocket PC. Of course, as was Shiva’s wont, he bought her a watch in addition to this.

Banu was an extremely popular student at Carnegie Mellon’s Computer Science Department. She was a little hard of hearing, the side effect of a heart surgery performed on her when she was barely into her teens but she now wore hearing aids that helped her to a large extent, even if not fully. Her unassuming nature and her dedication as a student endeared her to one and all. So, it was but natural that a number of students would join together to “wreak havoc” (in their neighbor’s words!) in their apartment at midnight.

That evening, Jothi, usually an enthusiastic participant in the preparations for parties, was conspicuous by her absence. Shiva tried calling her but left her two voice mail messages, the slight restlessness in the first one, turning into a state of concern and puzzlement in the second- “Jo, where have you disappeared? You said you’d call in the evening. We’re all here. I’m going to Banu’s lab at around 10:00-ish. Call me back as soon as you can, okay? Alrighty, see you soon.”

As he was heading back from the balcony into his apartment, one of the guys hollered out, “Shiva, can you go to Baskin Robbins to pick up the cake?”

A fuming Shiva yelled, “What the heck, da. I already told you, I have to go to the lab and Murray (Avenue) is out of the way for me. Come on, it’s not like I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“Now, why are you raising your voice?” he asked. “I just wanted to check if you could, that’s all.”

Unable to resist the temptation for a dig, a colleague of Shiva quipped, “Hey, we have two parties here today, Banu’s birthday party and our famous tension party!”

With a sheepish grin, Shiva stepped out of the apartment to take the bus to campus while his colleague headed out to Baskin Robbins.

Shiva’s short-tempered nature had gained so much notoriety among his circle of friends in the four years (two as a student at The University of Pittsburgh, and two as a professional) he had been in Pittsburgh that a joke was always round the corner whenever he lost his cool! And, on a lot of occasions, the humor cooled him down as well.

As he boarded the bus, his cell phone rang. It was Jothi.

“Hey Shiva, I just saw your messages,” she said, in a matter-of-fact tone.

Not wanting the fellow passengers to be disturbed, a visibly upset Shiva said in a hushed tone, “What is this, Jo? I asked you in the afternoon if you were okay and you said, ‘Yes.’ I mean, what’s happening?”

She replied, “Nothing, Shiva. I just needed a break from everything. So after I got done with the grading, Meera and I went to Monroeville (Mall) for her India shopping. I guess I didn’t receive any signal there. Anyways, where are you now?”

“I am going to the University,” he said. “At least, come to the party. You haven’t even signed the card as yet. Why don’t I come to your apartment with Banu in another half-hour? We’ll have enough time. We can be back at my apartment by 11:30.”

She cleared her throat and responded, “Hey, I am not feeling too well. Think I’ll skip the party. I’ll see Banu at school tomorrow, anyway. I’ll wish her then. I just want to hit the sack early today.”

“Come on, Jo, tomorrow’s a Saturday. Plus, it won’t be any fun without you.” He said, “You’re all going to be heading in different directions, soon. This is like the last party that we’ll be having here” in reference to Jothi, who was supposed to join Merrill Lynch as an Analyst, in New York City, the following month and Banu, who was moving to Irvine, California.

“Just understand, Shiva. I am not feeling that well.”

The bus was nearing his stop. Instead of arguing further with her, he simply said, “Okay, well…sleep tight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, have fun at the party.”

***

Banu’s desk space in the Robotics lab -- where she worked as a research assistant-- was symptomatic of her two passions – movies and reading. The space included a medium-sized poster of “Rhythm,” one of her favorite movies; a slew of books, reflective of her eclectic tastes; and a handful of DVDs. She liked to lose herself into the world of the characters, be it in the stories she read or the movies she watched (with the aid of sub-titles) and wrote about them in her column for “@ITude,” the Department’s monthly newsletter.

That evening, Banu had taken some time to type up a short review of a crossover Indian film, titled “From The Realm Of Darkness,” the sophomore effort of the writer-director pair of ‘Cheeka and Vishwa’ (as they called themselves). And, in a style that was typical of her, signed off with a simple note, “It’s been a pleasure writing this column for the past couple of years and I hope you’ve had as much fun reading it. Feel free to drop me a line with any book or movie recommendations- banups82@yahoo.com Sincerely, Banu.”

As Shiva entered her lab, he noticed that she had dosed off, head rested on the table. He removed the watch from its case and tied it loosely around her wrist. He then gently tapped on her shoulder and said, “Wake up, sleepy head!” A visibly tired Banu got up, instantly noticed the watch and said excitedly, “Hey, it looks great! Very stylish, actually…thank you so much, da.”

He replied, “Good, good. But sorry Banu, got a little delayed.”

When he told her about Jothi not joining them for the party, she replied, “No probs. She actually sent me a lovely e-card. First person to wish me this year…even before you!” Shutting down her computer, she added, “Okay, let’s get going.”

The “Midnight Party” ended up being a fun-filled event, with a dash of sentiment, what with most of the students in Banu’s batch graduating the following week and heading in different directions. It was 2:30 am by the time others left the apartment.

As was their daily routine, both Shiva and Banu stood, with eyes closed, in front of Chithra Ma’s portrait picture for a few seconds. Chithra Ma and Professor Karthikeyan were the biological parents of Banu. Chithra Ma--who had passed away in the December of 2003-- was the caretaker of the orphanage in Bangalore (India) where Shiva had been abandoned as an infant, with an umbilical cord. After her demise Professor Karthikeyan took over her responsibilities at the Ashram.

As Shiva was heading to his bedroom, Banu said, “Thanks a lot, da. Missed Amma a lot today but your card more than made up for it.” She continued, “Also, remind Appa, okay? Otherwise, he’ll wish me a day late and then feel bad about forgetting his daughter’s birthday yet another year!”

He smiled and said, “Sure, Banu. Good night.”

***

That morning, as Shiva was heading out to Jothi’s apartment, he noticed Banu seated in the “pooja corner” (that included a number of framed photographs of Hindu deities) of their apartment, muttering some prayers under her breath. Noticing him trying to catch her attention, Banu laughed and said, “Okay, okay, I’ll bring food from the temple!” and waved at Shiva, who grinned at her and left the apartment.

There was a joke amongst their circle of friends that every time Shiva met up with Jothi, his excitement level would give others the impression that they were meeting after a very long time! It was no different that morning when Jothi received him at the door; his eyes lit up as he said, “Hey, Jo!”

She asked, “How was the party?” as they walked towards the living room.

He replied, “It was fun, as usual. But I missed you a lot. I’ll upload the photos today. Anyways, wanted to tell you this yesterday but forgot. At work, we were discussing the possibility of Mark and I attending a conference in Chicago, in June. It’s a very prestigious one and we might have the opportunity to present a couple of our models.”

She said, “Hmmm, that’s cool.”

“It might be the Tuesday following Memorial Day. Why don’t you try and come with me? You have to join only on the 6^th, right?” he asked, as he sat on the couch.

She made eye contact with him for a fraction of a second and immediately looked away. He then took his cell phone out of his pocket, switched it off and then said, “Jo, come sit with me.”

As she sat down, he put his hand around her shoulder and continued, “I don’t want to make a big deal about it. But I’ve to admit I was feeling very disturbed yesterday. Are you feeling okay, now?”

With her head tilted down, she replied, “Shiva, I don’t know how exactly to say this but…for the past couple of months, I’ve been asking myself some tough questions about ‘us’ and…and, I don’t think it’s working out. I mean, I still like you but I really think we’re better off just being friends.”

Shiva was stunned as he slowly withdrew his arm from around her shoulder and asked, “What are you saying, Jo? I am totally in…”

Interrupting him she said, “Shiva, please. Don’t say it. Please don’t make it any tougher for me. I know…I know it is tough for you. But I have to think of my future too. Initially everything seemed great but over the past few months, I’ve really convinced myself that this is not working out. We’re just different people. Our needs are different, our forms of expression are different, our expectations are different…that I don’t think we’re really right for each other.”

It was not too often that Shiva found himself at loss of words but this was definitely a striking exception thanks to the magnitude of the situation. He mustered some courage and said, “I can change, Jo. Just tell me what I did wrong. I know I’ve been impulsive at times but don’t you think there was something beyond all of that, between us? Just give me some time.”

Exasperation was slowly mounting on her face as she said, “Oh, my God. Please…there’s no need for you to change. You are just who you are. I am just saying that I don’t see a future for ‘us.’ Just leave it at that."

“Just leave it at that? What do you mean?” he said, slightly raising his voice. “I don’t know. At least, tell me when you started feeling this way. I know you’ve been a little withdrawn over the past few weeks but I don’t know…I just thought it was the end-of-the-semester stress.”

She responded, “It’s not just one thing. It’s a feeling, Shiva. I don’t feel that sense of belonging anymore. That special feeling, ‘he’s my guy,’ is not in me anymore…what am I supposed to do? I really cannot live in a state of denial. It’s…I am sorry, Shiva. But it’s my life and I cant afford to take a chance only to see us ruining these years…the precious years of our youth that will never come back.”

Wiping off the sweat that was accumulating on his forehead, he said, in a low tone of voice, “But, Jo, there must’ve been something that triggered off this whole thing. Please tell me what it is. I mean, ‘ruining’ our lives? Why would you think I would…?”

Interrupting him again, she said, “There’s no need for us to delve into all of this. I don’t want to hurt you in anyway.”

Noticing him smirk, she said, “Don’t! Don’t react as though I don’t care. You think I just want to hurt you for no reason? I don’t…but please don’t make me hurt you. I am already hurt, myself.”

He responded, “Just tell me what it was. I am already devastated beyond words. Please…”

Taking a deep breath she continued, “I’ve been more than a little worried in general for the last few months…take for instance my trip to Detroit when Appa was there,” she said, referring to her Dad who was working in the Exports Department of an Indian firm in Bangalore, who was in Detroit for a week to attend a fair that March, during her Spring Break. Shiva, Banu and a few of their friends had gone on a trip to Mt. Poconos at that time.

“The number of times you called me, the voice mail messages, the e-mails, you losing your temper for nothing, absolutely nothing…I mean, I just couldn’t deal with all that. And, I was like, there is no way on earth we could survive a long distance relationship after I move to New York. But then, I’ve changed my mind about the job as well.”

“Jo, you have no idea how much I was missing you. That whole trip, Banu was constantly pulling me aside and asking me why I was atypically quiet when others were having so much fun. And, I sent you those mails because I wanted you to tell your Dad about us.”

“That’s what I am saying. I honestly couldn’t fathom why you were making such a big deal about my going out of town for just a week and missing me, especially when you were also hanging out with friends. I mean, missing me, I can understand but just losing your temper because of that? And, you didn’t understand that I just couldn’t tell Appa, just like that, about something this serious. He has already been nervous about all the preparations for Akka’s (her elder sister’s) wedding and I didn’t think it was the appropriate time for me to talk about being in lo…”

She paused for a moment and said, “I…I couldn’t talk to him about all of that, Shiva. And, you knew we were at my Uncle’s place there in Detroit. You should’ve understood that I couldn’t have been in a position to talk freely with Appa or with you for that matter.”

“At least you could’ve told me all this the first time I called.”

“My God! You’re missing my point. I am not saying that this incident was the only reason for my having apprehensions about us; it’s just indicative, is what I am trying to say. Those were moments when the two of us shouldn’t have needed words to convey things to each other. I mean that’s why I say we’re different. And once I’ve gotten doubts like these, how do you think I can be at peace with the way we are? It’s just that I wanted to wait till the end of the semester to say all this to you.”

“Oh, that’s very kind of you!” he said, the words flowing out of his mouth before his mind could stop him.

“You think I’m being selfish?” she said, with her voice breaking. “Well, go right ahead.”

“That’s not what I am saying. I am just asking why didn’t you say this earlier?”

“I wanted to just get through the courses. I mean, for the last few weeks, I’ve just gone through the motions, be it in my project meetings, presentations or my exams. I just wanted to get done with all of that and then tell you. Please don’t think this was easy for me. For the past two months, that’s why I’ve been trying to kind of distance myself from everything. Every time I spoke with you, I would say to myself, ‘Just tell him’ but I couldn’t do it then lest I totally mess up everything I came here for. This Masters degree means a lot to me, okay?”

He looked her in the eye and pleaded, “You’re now done with that, Jo. You will be starting a new innings from next month, in New York. Why don’t we start all over again, as well?”

“It’s not that simple. I have strong memories of the time that we’ve known each other, be it the pleasant or the unpleasant ones that it’s not like a white board where I erase out everything and start writing again. That’s really not the way it works and I really, really hope you understand.”

“Please don’t say that. Could you just think about it again?”

“Can you please stop asking me this, again and again? This might sound rude but it’s the truth-- this kind of romantic love is not something that can come out of sympathy.”

He screamed out, “Okay! I guess I’m begging…shamelessly begging for ‘sympathy.’ Fine, just go to New York. Good luck with everything.”

Covering his face with hands, he tried getting back to his senses and said, “Just give me a minute, okay? I’ll leave in a couple of minutes…”

She said, “There’s one more thing I’ve to tell you.”

“Hmmm?”

“I’m not taking up the New York job. I’m leaving to Bangalore on Tuesday. The thing is, Akka will be leaving to Australia after her wedding and my parents have been dreading the thought of a huge sense of vacuum in the house after she leaves. And, I would also rather live with them and work there. I’ve spoken to a couple of Amma’s friends at Wipro in this regard.”

Looking askance at her he said, “Hmmm, what can I say? You’ve chalked out everything, huh? Can’t you please…?” He stopped himself midway through the sentence and simply said, “Don’t worry…I am just in this state now where I just don’t know what to say to anything. I’m really sorry about everything.”

“Look, some things work out, some things don’t. Just take the pleasant memories from the times we’ve spent with each other and try to forget the rest. I want you to be happy and really, I mean this…I just want the best things to happen to you.”

“Well, I hope the Wipro thing works out.” After a pause, he asked, “Jothi, are we at least going to keep in touch?”

“I really don’t know. I feel it’s better if we just go separate ways. I honestly don’t know. For now, let’s just try not to keep getting back to these uncomfortable things. Why not let time take care of everything?”

Masking his disappointment and grief with a smile, he said, “Sure. Easier said than done but I’ll try.” He instinctively hugged her and said, “I’m going to miss you a lot.”

Tightly shutting her eyes, she muttered, “Try not to.”

Both of them struggled to make eye contact but shook hands with each other and Shiva was out the door the next instant.

As he started walking towards the bus stop, he looked up at the skies. And realized that the sun was trying to hide its face from him as it snuck behind the clouds, a far cry from its breathtaking splendor the previous afternoon.

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Part II of IV :

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-ii-of-iv.html

Part III of IV:

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-iii-of-iv.html

Part IV of IV:

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-iv-of-iv.html