Sunshine At Dusk (Part II of IV)

As soon as Banu entered the apartment, she knew that something was wrong for she noticed Shiva sitting in front of Chithra Ma’s portrait picture. This was something that he would usually do when he was feeling low or vulnerable. He was going through an old photo album when she placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Shiva?”

He held her hand and responded, “Banu, good that you came back a little early.”

“What happened, da?”

“Jothi broke up with me. And, she’s leaving to India on Tuesday.”

Moving aside the pile of albums, she sat next to him and said nothing. She knew that there was nothing that needed to be said at that moment and that she just had to be there. She joined him in going through the albums and for quite some time, they did not say anything to each other. As he paused to look at a casual dining table snap of her parents, she said, “Look at Appa in this! Won’t even take a second to properly look into the camera when he’s feasting on his ‘vengaaya saambar!’ By the way, I checked mail this morning.” Shaking her head, she continued, “Nothing from Professor Sir as yet!”

He smiled at her and replied, “Oh really? Okay, will talk to him.”

She got up and said, “Okay, get up, da. I’ve got some food from the temple. There’s also some of the cake left. Let’s eat. I’m feeling hungry.”

Later that afternoon, he told her about the conversation he had had with Jothi, Banu listening with rapt attention and without ever asking him or gesturing to him to repeat what he had said. It was not because she had heard every syllable of what he said but rather, she did not want him to utter more words than was necessary for him to vent out his feelings.

***

The day Jothi left Pittsburgh, Shiva was in a dilemma in the hours leading up to her departure because he badly wanted to meet her at the airport but also knew that it would create a very uncomfortable situation for both parties, especially for her. After much reflection, he decided against going to the airport and instead, tried his best to focus on the presentations and demos for the Chicago conference.

Banu tried to spend as much time as she could, with Shiva, usually meeting him at Kiva Han (their favorite coffee shop), during his lunch break and making him watch movies with her, in the evenings. He was not as big a movie buff as she was but she insisted, with the hope that he would have some kind of a diversion in the evenings after she left for Irvine. She spent weekdays in wrapping up things at the University, packing her books and DVDs into boxes and finishing up the paperwork needed for her new job.

The weekend prior to Memorial Day, the two of them went to the Monroeville Mall to get him some new formal wear for the Conference. Banu purchased a few sundries for herself and after a couple of hours of shopping, both of them sat on a bench outside the Mall as the buses were running behind schedule.

Not noticing Banu looking in a different direction, he mumbled, “Gosh, she used to love…” as he looked at the pair of earrings she had purchased. Realizing that she did not hear him, he did not complete his sentence.

But a couple of seconds later Banu turned towards him and said, “You must be missing Jothi, no? Remember all our trips to the Mall together…I’m sorry, da.”

“I’m okay,” he said, smiling at her in a way that she could not quite comprehend.

***

“Mark, look at those guys!” whispered Shiva, as the two of them walked past a rotund man and a lean one seated next to each other in the first-class cabin on their flight to Chicago.

“John Candy and Steve Martin in first-class!” joked Mark, as they found their way towards their seats in the economy class cabin.

“I keep telling my friend Banu that I’d fly her down first-class whenever I do a Ph.D. and am ready to present my thesis defense! I’ve been thinking about…”

Interrupting him, he quipped, “Can we first look at the slides, ‘Doctor’ Shiva?” as he took out his folder.

“You have a Doctorate in the Science of Computers and a Master’s in the Art of Snubbing, Dr. Malloy!” he replied.

The conference in Chicago went well, though Shiva was less than his usual assured self. This led to a couple of tiffs with Mark, the senior of the two, constantly goading him to infuse “a little more life” into the workshops that the two of them conducted. But overall, the trip was a satisfactory one. And, this came as a huge relief to Banu, as she could not join Shiva, thanks to the airfares, which in her words, were shooting through the roof and into the skies, along with the planes!

***

It is only when we want to spend a lot of time with someone does the clock seem to tick faster than usual and this was exactly how Shiva felt in the days leading up to June 8^th, the date that Banu was supposed to leave to Irvine. The evening before her departure, he was helping her pack her suitcase.

As she was retrieving her tops and dresses from her closet, he grinned at her and said, “It’s pack up time!” quoting a line from a movie they saw the previous evening.

He said, “Banu, I know I don’t have to say this to you but have your pocket PC with you at all times…take your tablets everyday, okay? And, make sure you get all of your insurance papers in order as soon as you get there.”

“Don’t worry, da. I’ve spoken with Frances, the HR person there. She seems to be very helpful. Anyways, in my lab, I bumped into a couple of guys, looking for roommates. I’ve asked them to e-mail you.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Forget about that, now. You shoot me a mail whenever you find time, okay? And, of course, evenings try to logon to Yahoo if you can.”

She hugged him and said, “Sure, da. You take care… hmm?”

“Please don’t, Banu,” he said, when he noticed tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ll be okay. You worry too much about me. Really…I’ll be okay.”

That he said those words just to console her was obvious for after he bade goodbye to her at the airport, he told his friends who had offered them a ride to the airport that he had some work and that he wanted to take the shuttle back to Forbes Avenue. This was in spite of them offering to drop him at the apartment.

Back in his apartment, the “sense of vacuum” that Jothi mentioned in their last conversation, gripped him. That night was probably the longest that he had experienced in a long time, the seconds hand of his clock seemingly frozen in time. Paralyzed by loneliness and hemmed in by his own demons, he pondered over his future, a million fears and apprehensions flitting past his mind, the pin-drop silence of the apartment adding to his misery in no small measure. Wide-awake in the wee hours of the morning, he stepped out to the balcony with his laptop and in a moment of vulnerability, decided to send Jothi a “Miss you” e-card. Finally, at around 3:45 am, after “channel-surfing” for what seemed an eternity and still finding it impossible to sleep a wink, he drank a glass of milk, stood in front of Chithra Ma’s picture for longer than usual and went to bed.

The next morning at work, the moment he saw an e-mail notification in his office account indicating that his e-card had been “picked up” by Jothi, he went about pressing “F5” (Refresh) on his “Inbox” page, with such maddeningly high frequency and did so for an extended period of time that out of sheer frustration, he forced himself to leave work for an early lunch after sending her a mail.

Banu meanwhile went about setting up things at her new workplace and her apartment, which she shared with two other girls. The following weekend, Banu and Shiva were chatting on Yahoo! Messenger, after Banu had seen an off-liner from Jothi’s former roommate:

Banu: Meera had left an off-liner…that she saw you at Walgreens this morning…and asked me if you were doing okay. What happened, da? You okay?

Shiva: Why didn’t she ask me directly?? Why the heck does she have to leave you an off-liner…damn it, I didn’t even notice her!

Banu: No, no. She said that she was leaving the store in a hurry…first tell me da, what happened? I am worried…

Shiva: She must not have wanted to face me after all that happened last month…bloody bitch, this Meera.

Banu: Please, da. Don’t lose your temper. And, please…stop cursing and tell me. She said you were talking to a pharmacist in an agitated manner…?

Shiva: What the heck was she doing spying on me…God…what am I talking…I just don’t know why am getting mad at Meera, of all people…I’m sorry, Banu. I’ve been finding it impossible to sleep. I was just asking the pharmacist about some over-the-counter sleeping pills. He just made me wait for such a long time before he answered my question…that doofus. That’s why I lost my cool there…I’m really missing Jo. As long as you were here, it was different…but now, it’s just…I don’t know, am finding it very difficult to cope with it. I am not able to concentrate properly at my meetings…at night I am just so wide-awake it’s depressing…my mind just keeps getting back to that last conversation. I’m just feeling low and guilty…guilty that I made those mistakes…

Banu: I was really thinking that you were slowly getting out of it…I knew you’d feel lonely after I left but…not to this extent, da. First of all, there’s nothing to feel “guilty” about…and about “mistakes”…come on, it’s not like either of you did something terribly wrong. I know its difficult but just look at it as, the two of you weren’t right for each other and shut the whole thing out of your mind.

Banu: And, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…Just throw away those sleeping pills. I’ve read about how addictive they can get and all their ill-effects n all…so, I beg you. Just throw them away…right now, if you can. At nights, watch some movies, just chat with me till you fall asleep…I am three hours behind…so, no probs at all, da. Please do this for my sake…or, for Amma’s sake, rather…

Shiva: Sorry, Banu. I promise…will throw them away, right now. Okay, forget about that. Tell me about the new job…are the folks in your group being nice to the “new kid on the block??” J

Their conversation went on for another hour and later, Shiva did indeed keep up his word and threw the pills into the trashcan, even if after a little deliberation. For her part, Banu chatted with him for long hours at night, even during weekdays, rarely if ever, bringing up any serious topics and instead, talking to him more about movies (the ones she watched and the ones she made him watch!), books and other miscellany.

But as hard as she tried, she could not convince him to either hang out more with their group of friends in Pittsburgh or find another roommate. This was because she rightly feared that he was slowly becoming a loner, in spite of feeling lonely. But he balked at her suggestions and instead told her that he might move to a studio or a one-bedroom apartment at the end of the year, which was when the lease for the current apartment was going to end.

***

On a Sunday morning at the end of June, Shiva sat down at one of the tables outside Kiva Han with a cup of coffee and a bagel, with the sun and the clouds engaged in a keen tussle, seemingly to attract his attention. And, he looked up to see that the sun had come out trumps, even if ephemerally. Later, as he took a stroll down Craig Street towards his workplace, he smiled to himself in the realization that it had been a while since he had truly enjoyed the different shades of that lovely lady, Mother Nature. In an effort to channel this unusual high into some meaningful work, he went into his office to work on a design document. And, it was only after three hours of solid work that he even checked mail, usually the first thing he would do, in the morning.

He had received a new mail from Jothi with the subject “Swathi’s Wedding” and opened it, only to realize that he was one among the many recipients of the mail that also had an attachment- a scanned version of the invitation to her sister’s wedding, which was to be held the last day of July, in Bangalore. The message began with a “Hi everyone,” two words that Shiva’s eyes did not get past, until later in the day when he reopened the mail to read the actual message, which was a kind of an open invitation.

When he stepped out of his office that afternoon, while the sun was parading its wares, his mind was now being clouded with conflicting emotions about the mail he had received.

Later when he discussed it with Banu (who was another recipient of the mail) about it, she rightfully asked him to brush it aside, while suggesting to him that she would send a reply to the mail on their behalf, if he wished. Though he asked her to not respond to the mail, he was, against his better judgment, thinking about it longer than he needed to. But then, mysterious are the inner workings of one’s mind when the heart is in a state of yearning and unfortunately, he began to lose the balance that he was slowly regaining, as dormant emotions began to resurface. Over the next few days, he was thinking of making a trip to India around the end of the month to meet up with Jothi, much against Banu’s wishes.

Since he had accumulated enough vacation time at work, he booked a ticket to Bangalore, leaving Pittsburgh on the 28^th of July and staying there till the following weekend. To Banu, the only consolation was that he was flying through Los Angeles (instead of taking the shorter route via Europe) and so she looked forward to seeing him before and after the trip, especially the latter, because she was going to take a day off to spend some time with him.

She drove (she had purchased a used Honda Accord after moving to Irvine) to the Los Angeles airport where she spent a couple of hours that he had in transit, with him, giving him a shirt, a small packet of almonds and a couple of books, all for her Dad. With only a few minutes left for him to get back to the security checkpoint at the Airport, she told him, “You know, I honestly don’t know why you are doing this.”

He mumbled a few words when she interrupted him and said, “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

He turned towards her and said, “I don’t know, Banu,” the forlorn expression on his face leaving her with no choice but to change the topic.

As he was getting ready to head back to the gate, she held his hands and pleaded, “Shiva…Shiva, you and Appa are all I’ve got, da. I just can’t see you hurting yourself over anything. Do you really have to go?”

Gently patting on her shoulder, he said, “I’ll be back soon, Banu.”

***

Banu’s father Karthikeyan, used to be quite a martinet, with conservative values and so, neither Shiva nor she had told him about his love affair with Jothi even though he had mellowed with age, especially after the death of his wife. They were going to broach the topic to him after Jothi had spoken to her parents about it but things had gone totally haywire in the past few months that he had no cognizance of the events that had transpired. But in spite of his strictness, he was kind at heart and Shiva was very fond of him from a very young age and had great regard for him, for he was Shiva’s ‘idol’ in academics, more specifically, Mathematics.

And so, unmindful of his tiredness after the long journey, Shiva managed to put up a wide smile when he saw him at the airport. In the taxi ride on their way to his house, Karthikeyan asked Shiva, “Banu was telling me that you just wanted a break from your routine and wanted to spend a week here. I thought you and Banu were going to come together in December and be here for a month?”

“Karthi Sir, this summer, things are relatively light at work, so I thought I would take a break and spend some time here…anyways, are you keeping good health?”

“Oh, yes. I am fine. This is going to be my last year in college. So, I am just looking forward to spending a lot more time at the Ashram. Okay now, we will go home and you freshen up. We’ll then go to the Ashram, okay?”

“Sure.”

At Karthikeyan’s house, Shiva sat down for a meal when he noticed Swathi’s wedding invitation on the table. He casually asked, “How do you know her?”

“Oh, she is a student of mine. If I am right, the boy is working in Melbourne.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll be attending the wedding, too. I know her sister pretty well.”

“Okay, we’ll go together. And Shiva, I wanted to tell you this. Banu has been steadfastly refusing to talk to me whenever I start a conversation about arranged marriage proposals. And, I am very unhappy about that. She has a good job now, she’s settled. The thing is, I have a couple of very nice guys in mind for her so I want her to change her mind soon. I definitely want you to talk to her when you get back, okay?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll definitely talk to her.”

Shiva and Karthikeyan spent some time at the Orphanage that afternoon. A sense of emptiness pervaded his mind as he traipsed around the place with the thought that the last time he was there, it was when Chithra Ma had lost her life to cancer and he had flown down from the US, along with Banu. A year-and-a-half had passed but the memories of her were indelible. He spent some quality time with the staff members there who had known him since he was an infant and he had a lump in his throat when he stood with them, after a very long time, for their evening prayers. At the end of the day, in a dazed state of mind, he returned to Karthikeyan’s house having decided that he was just going to meet up with Jothi at the wedding, without informing her beforehand. It was not a very wise decision but as Woody Allen once famously said, “the heart has its reasons,” ironic in Allen’s choice of words, considering the fact they were in the defense of irrational behavior!

Karthikeyan and Shiva, both dressed in formal shirt and trousers, attended the wedding the following morning. It was a simple but well-conducted affair, and as with any Indian wedding, the ladies were wearing the brightest of their silk saris and the showiest of their jewelry, exchanging compliments even in cases where they did not quite mean their words!

In spite of Karthikeyan’s assuring presence, Shiva felt alone in the crowd as he looked for Jothi. He spotted her, dressed in a lovely violet-colored sari, talking to Swathi’s in-laws. She initially had a stunned look on her face when she saw him walk towards her but spontaneously smiled at him as he said, “Hi, Jothi!” and shook hands with her.

She responded, “Hey, Shiva!” as she introduced him as her friend, to them. She then excused herself and pulled up a couple of chairs, sat with him and said animatedly, “Sit, sit…hey, I’m like shocked! I had no idea you were in Bangalore! When did you come?”

“I just wanted to take a small break,” he said. “Just wanted to spend some time here in India…with Karthi Sir. I’m here for just a week. How’re you doing?”

“I’m doing really good!” she said. “How’s Banu?”

He responded, “She’s fine.” Looking at her brush a lock of hair from her forehead, he said, “Hey…uh, you’re looking great, Jo!”

Caught a little off-guard, she said, “Thank you” and looked away distractedly, to see her parents hollering out to catch her attention, their voices getting submerged in all the noise created by the guests in the Hall.

Looking in the same direction as her, he said, “You get going. We can…we can talk later.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you in a bit. Excuse me,” she said, as she got up and walked away.

He muttered an expletive to himself, with the feeling that he had messed up the conversation the moment he looked at her admiringly and called her by her nickname. He looked around and noticed Karthikeyan bending down to touch the feet of a septuagenarian to get his blessings.

Karthikeyan then said, “Shiva, come here. This great man here is my first and only real ‘guru’ in Mathematics. He was the one who gifted me with the first book that I read on Probabilistic Number Theory.”

He continued, “Sir, I still remember your note on the first page: ‘To my dear ‘Chaela’ [1] Karthikeyan, Wish Best Wishes, S.L.V. Raman’”

Putting his hand around Shiva’s shoulder, he said, “Sir, this boy here is one of my brightest students.”

Smiling at the two of them, Mr. Raman said, “I was Karthikeyan’s teacher thirty five years ago and now, he is my granddaughter Swathi’s teacher!”

Karthikeyan gesticulated to Shiva and said, “Shiva, get Sir’s blessings,” expecting Shiva to touch Mr. Raman’s feet, a common gesture of respect among Indians. When Shiva replied, “Karthi Sir, I have to step out for a second. I forgot to bring the gift from the car,” he stared at him and said firmly, “Shiva. You can do that later.”

Mr. Raman, sensing trouble brewing between the two of them, simply said, “Wish you the best of luck, pa,” as he shook hands with Shiva.

A livid Karthikeyan barely uttered a word to Shiva at the wedding and after a while, noticing Shiva sitting in a corner all by himself Jothi went and sat next to him and asked, “Shiva, do you want to eat, now?”

“No, I think I’ll leave in a few minutes.”

She lowered her voice and said, “Shiva, listen…for the past couple of months, I’ve tried consciously to distance myself from all of that. Amma and Appa don’t know anything about it. I mean, Swathi knows everything but anyways…I am just trying to forget everything from the Pittsburgh days and start afresh here. I really hope you will understand.”

He looked her in the eye and said, “Sure. I understand, Jothi. Anyways, tell me this…what happened to the Wipro thing?”

“Oh, I will be joining them next week.”

The two of them then spent a few more awkward moments in silence when Jothi’s father asked her to join the rest of the group for a photograph of the entire family. Shiva looked longingly at them as a group of about 20 people posed for the camera. He then got the house keys from Karthikeyan, telling him that he was going to leave early, that he was still feeling jet-lagged. It was just an excuse for him to get out of the uncomfortable situation that he had thrust himself into. Minutes later, he left the Hall after waving to Jothi.

He headed to the Ashram and there, he walked towards the main office building where a wonderful life-size framed photograph of Chithra Ma adorned one of the walls. Overwhelmed by emotion; the image of Jothi’s family members standing together, firmly etched in his mind; and engulfed by the feeling of being an orphan, he prostrated himself before the photograph.

In the next few days that he was in India, he did not talk to Jothi nor did she call him. And, he never offered an explanation for his rude behavior to Karthikeyan during the times he spent with him. But the fact was, he did not bend down to touch Mr. Raman’s feet, not because he was in a surly mood but it was because Chithra Ma was the only person whom he accorded that respect. The reasons for that were so firmly entrenched in him, the depths of his devotion towards her being something others could rarely comprehend. And, typical of Shiva, his inflexibility had manifested itself at times, as at Swathi’s wedding when he meant no offense towards Mr. Raman or Karthikeyan. Later that week, he readied himself to leave Bangalore, and sent Jothi a parting e-mail.

“I am sorry if I hurt you in anyway,” he said, at the airport, and gave Karthikeyan the ‘I’m sorry’ card that he had bought at Archie’s.

He opened the card and said, “Oh, Shiva. You did not have to do all this. Forget about all that. Just take good care of yourself.”

“Sure, you take care of your health, Karthi Sir."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part III of IV:

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-iii-of-iv.html

Part IV of IV:

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-iv-of-iv.html