Sunshine At Dusk (Part IV of IV)

Over the next couple of months, Banu and Srikanth gradually spent more time talking about serious issues and sharing a lot of personal thoughts with each other. The two of them felt that they were ‘ready’ for a commitment and conveyed it to the folks back in India. Karthikeyan and Srikanth’s parents got together and decided on Feb 3rd, 2006 as the date for their engagement in Bangalore.

Though enveloped by the cold and the gloom of the Pittsburgh winter, Shiva was gradually clawing his way back towards the stability that he needed, in order for a big career decision to materialize- he was seriously considering pursuing a Ph.D. and he spoke with his Professor at The University of Pittsburgh about the possibility of taking some courses in the Spring semester. The latter too, was excited at this prospect because Shiva was one of his blue-eyed students.

At the time Shiva finished his Masters (in May ’03), he was to continue doing research with this Professor but he decided against it because of Chithra Ma’s treatment expenses and Banu not getting assistantship (she eventually did but only in the last semester), and he took it upon himself to find a job (in Pittsburgh, so that he could be with Banu) and contribute whatever he could towards both those major expenses, much against the wishes of Chithra Ma and Banu but then again, he was famous for his adamancy.

Shiva and Srikanth planned to spend the Thanksgiving weekend in Irvine with Banu, with three of them making plans to go to Srikanth’s Uncle’s sprawling four-bedroom house in Beverly Hills on Thursday to celebrate Srikanth’s birthday.

The evening before he left to California, Shiva called Karthikeyan to tell him about his Ph.D. plans. As he started talking to him, he felt that Karthikeyan sounded a little different and so asked, “Are you doing okay?”

“Oh, has Swathi’s sister not told you about it? Well…Raman Sir passed away yesterday.” After a brief pause, he continued, “He suffered from a cardiac arrest…I have known him for the last thirty five years, Shiva. It was so good to see him at Swathi’s wedding after a long time…well…he lived a full life. He died a very content man.”

“I’m very sorry about that, Karthi Sir. No, I didn’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken with Jothi. Did you see Jothi? Is she okay?”

“Yes, I saw her. She was consoling Swathi, who came in from Melbourne last night. Swathi was crying her heart out though.”

“Oh, really? Well, I’ll write to Jothi. And, please don’t tell Banu about it, okay? She and Cheeka get to spend time together only once in five or six weeks and I don’t want her to be upset about this.”

“Okay. But I don’t even think she knows him. Anyway, you have a good time there. Tell Srikanth I inquired about him.”

“Sure, you take care.”

After he kept the phone down, Shiva immediately sat down to write a mail, with words of consolation, to Jothi. After typing out the mail though, he was not sure whether he wanted to send it. Instead of sending the mail, he saved the draft and headed out to his Yoga class.

Unsure of what to do and not wanting to tell Banu about it, he left for Los Angeles where Banu, with the help of Srikanth’s Uncle and Uncle’s kids, was planning a small birthday party for Srikanth, who had been feeling a little hassled, thanks to continued financial problems for the Producer who was going to invest in his project. So, Srikanth decided to put in quite a bit of his savings to ensure that the project would take off in January.

That night at the party, Srikanth, remembering what Banu told him about Shiva’s discomfiture at family gatherings, made him sit next to him at the dinner table and introduced him to all his family members and friends. It was a gesture that meant a lot to Shiva, who was still trying his best to shut the e-mail out of his mind.

After the party, since it was already pretty late, Srikanth’s Uncle had requested Banu to head back to Irvine the following morning, instead of at night. Banu agreed, and put out a sleeping bag for Shiva in the living room. Srikanth was alone in his cousin’s room upstairs, making some revisions to his script, on his laptop. Banu spent a few minutes with each of them before heading to the guest room to go to bed, as she had had a long day, having had to go to work, in spite of the Holiday weekend.

After about half hour, Shiva was feeling a little restless and so went upstairs to Srikanth’s room, as he knew that he was the only other person awake. As he knocked on the door, Srikanth asked, “Who is it?”

“It’s Shiva.”

Partially opening the door, he said, “Shiva, I am a little busy. Can we talk tomorrow?”

Noticing the computer on the bed, he asked, “Cheeka, I just want to send a quick mail.”

An annoyed Srikanth, trying hard to conceal his irritation said, “Can’t you wait till tomorrow to use my crappy laptop?!”

“Just two minutes…”

“Okay, just minimize that window and let me know when you’re done, okay?” he said, as he stepped out of the room.

He returned in a few minutes with a glass of water in hand and asked, “Do you want some water, Shiva?” But an instant later, with a shocked expression on his face as he looked at the monitor, he asked, “What the heck is this? Did it freeze…this piece of shit?”

With a helpless expression on his face, Shiva said, “I just opened Internet Explorer and as I clicked on the Yahoo link, it just froze on me.”

After spending a couple of minutes trying to restart the machine and realizing that it had conked out, Srikanth exasperatedly said, “Gosh…I was reworking a key scene...”

“You have a saved version, right?”

He raised his voice a bit in his frustration and said, “Of course, I do…I’ve saved it and backed it up and all. It’s just that my mood and flow today are gone and you won’t understand that, Shiva. I really was in that ‘zone.’ Shit…man, you couldn’t have waited till tomorrow to send this God damn mail??”

In an apologetic tone, he replied, “My friend’s grandpa had passed away and I just wanted to write to her.”

“What friend?” he said, in a peeved manner. “You mean, your former girlfriend, right…Banu was telling me that Meera or someone told her about it and that she didn’t want you to know about it while you were here. What’s the damn hurry to send her a mail? You’re not even in touch with her, right?”

“Okay, Srikanth…that’s none of your business.”

“You know…I just want to be alone…please,” he said, looking towards the door.

With equal doses of anger and ill-timed sarcasm, he said, “Why not just say, ‘Get out?’ You’re just behaving like…I don’t know…as though I blew up your entire Oscar worthy script.”

“Yeah, as though she was staying up all night waiting for your e-mail…”

At this instant, Shiva stormed out the door and went downstairs to pick up his bag. Srikanth followed him downstairs, and seeing him put on his jacket, he said, “Shiva…look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Please…”

“This is not the way to treat a guest, alright?”

“Shiva…I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just that I’ve been a little stressed with all the groundwork for the project.”

An incensed Shiva said, “No, you’re right, she wasn’t staying up all night waiting for my mail. You’re right…nobody in this world will lose sleep over me.”

“Banu will, Shiva. Please…at least for her sake, stay. I mean, where will you go at this hour anyway?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” he said, staring at him.

“No, no. I meant, it’s so late….just go to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Lowering his voice a little, he said, “No, Cheeka. I know, I was wrong...I am really sorry. But I won’t feel comfortable sleeping here tonight. I’ll go find a hotel or something. Please don’t wake Banu, up. She must be feeling tired after a hard day. Seriously…I am sorry. I’ll call on your cell tomorrow morning to tell you guys where I am staying. Please ask Banu to pick me up from that hotel, okay?”

And, he left the house the next instant. He took a cab to a nearby Motel and stayed there that night. That night, needless to say, it was quite sometime before he could find some sleep, as he kept looking at himself in the mirror, pondering over the million unanswerable questions that we ask ourselves when we are at our lowest ebbs.

The next morning, as Srikanth told Banu about the previous night, she cried her heart out, tightly hugging him and said, “Why does this have to happen to us, Cheeka…I mean, why can’t we all be happy at all times?” She looked up and said, “God, I really wish I was not ‘hearing’ these things…”

Banu kept looking at Srikanth’s cell phone, waiting for Shiva to call. And, he eventually did, at around 10:30. The three of them met up at the motel. Holding his hands, she asked Shiva, “Why did you do that, da? How could you leave the house without telling me? I mean, even if you were angry…”

Srikanth interrupted and said, “Banu, forget about it. Shiva, I’m really shouldn’t have said those things…especially not at my Uncle’s house. Really sorry, Shiva…”

Shiva said, “I’m sorry too, Cheeka.” Looking at Banu he continued, “I don’t know, Banu. It’s just that both of us lost control…don’t worry, we’ll be fine.”

Srikanth said, in a serious tone, “Shiva, I have this question for you...”

As the two of them looked confused, he laughed and said, “Who was louder yesterday- you or me?!”

Banu and Shiva looked at him, paused for a second and burst out laughing.

The three of them spent the weekend together, mostly chatting with each other at Banu’s house or at the lake, making plans for the engagement. The incident that evening did leave a bitter taste in the mouth of the parties concerned but they concealed it, mainly for Banu’s sake and also because both Shiva and Srikanth knew that it was just the wrong thing happening at the wrong place and time that both of them were at fault.

Both Shiva and Srikanth left Los Angeles Sunday, not before profusely apologizing to each other yet again. Banu asked Srikanth to excuse them for a couple of minutes as she said to Shiva, “Shiva…please, da. Please don’t think of that night too much. Just finish your work in the next three weeks and plan for the Spring semester courses, okay?”

“Don’t worry, Banu. I won’t.”

“Okay, you have a safe trip back, okay?”

“Sure, you take care,” he said, as they hugged each other.

That night, she sent Srikanth, the following e-mail:

---

Dear Cheeka,

It was wonderful spending some time with you the last four days…that I am already missing you…believe it or not, I’m already thinking of New Year’s in New York!! J

I feel really bad about all that happened that night. Its just unfortunate…coz the two of you were bonding so well that I guess something like this had to happen from making it seem too perfect! But I sincerely hope you guys don’t bear any grudge, for the two of you mean a lot to me...

When I hugged him at the airport, I realized how much Shiva ‘needs’ us…he needs a family…which is why I tied him the ‘Rakhi’ in August. I’d initially refused because I felt about it a different way but that night, after he’d gone to bed, I was ordering a couple of DVDs on Nehaflix when I saw these Raksha Bandhan ads pop up. Just for kicks, I clicked on one of the links to a card. And, this phrase that I saw there kinda meant a lot to me. It read, ‘As my sister and my friend, the wonderful Mom you are…’ Seeing that phrase, I realized how much meaning I could lend his life if I perceived him the way Amma did…and, I thought…in more ways than one that that ‘Rakhi’ is like an umbilical cord…at least, that’s how I perceived it when I tied it around his wrist. But it’s not something I can say to him as such…coz he reveres my Amma way too much that I can just hope that I can…or rather, you and I, can give him that comfort of a family the way Amma did (he’s somehow always looked at Appa as more of his “guru” than anything else)…coz I really hope he finds that kinda peace…of course, he will, when he gets married to someone but you know, what are we there for, Cheeka, if we cant do this for him?

Anyways…just kinda felt like sharing that with you…I guess I’ll catch you on chat soon…hopefully when you’re actually “at your desk” ;) ;) And hey, this mail should come out to at least 8K!! J

With love,

Banu

***

Things were finally falling in place for Srikanth’s directorial debut, a project titled, ‘Got a Minute?’ and he was to have rehearsals starting the 2nd of Jan. And, Banu had a relatively light month at work and was busier preparing for her weeklong vacation at the end of the month for, the real ‘life’ of these three truly centered around their meetings! Shiva had registered for three courses in the Spring semester and had given his two-weeks notice at work. After all that happened in LA that night, he decided after all, that he was not going to send that ‘fateful’ mail to Jothi but instead called her to have a casual conversation where he offered his condolences and inquired about her job. She too was dignified and diplomatic, and wished him luck for his Ph.D.

Banu left for Pittsburgh on Christmas Eve, where she spent four days, working more on moving things from the two-bedroom apartment they shared to a studio that Shiva was moving into. The two of them went to their usual favorite places in and around Pittsburgh including the Mall, except the Temple as Shiva refused to join her. The day she was to leave for New York, she asked Shiva, “Shiva, I am a little disappointed that you’re not coming to New York, da. I was looking forward to the three of us spending time together on New Year’s and was really looking forward to looking at how these rehearsal sessions go.”

“No, Banu. For you and Cheeka, this is your first New Year’s together and I really, really think it would be a lot more exciting if the two of you had some privacy…which is why I said, ‘No.’ I’ll see you on your way back, on the 3rd, anyway.”

“Adamant guy you are, da! We could’ve just driven to New York. You just made me book two flights…and, flight fares aren’t that cheap, in case you didn’t know!” she said, winking at him.
The weather Gods must have been in a really foul mood during the day, for they chose to take out their frustrations at dusk, on the citizens of Pittsburgh, and a few other cities in the North East, including New York. It was snowing heavily and flights were getting delayed. And, with Banu’s flight, there were some technical snags too, which caused further delays. After Shiva left the airport, Banu was waiting for a long time at the gate when they finally confirmed the flight departure time.

Shiva was setting up his studio apartment on Murray Avenue when he received a call from Srikanth. Srikanth said, “Shiva, get back to the airport right now! Banups82 is waiting for you there!”

“What?? Did the flight get cancelled??”

“No, no. I don’t know. She sent me a message from her pocket PC that she was coming here late tomorrow afternoon and asked me if I was okay. I was like, sure…half a day’s torture saved! Anyways, she asked me to contact you since you don’t have Internet access as yet at your new place. ”

Shiva took a cab to the airport where he saw Banu and asked her what had happened. She said, “Nothing, da. Can you rent a car tomorrow? I really want you to come with me to New York.”
He patted on her head and said, “God…why’d you have to do this?”

“I don’t know…just didn’t feel like going alone!”

The next morning, with the sun regaining control over the ‘proceedings’ (!) and the roads being cleared up, Shiva rented a car and he and Banu headed to New York, not before she coaxed him to first stop at the SV Temple. Banu had the habit of meditating for a few minutes after finishing her prayers and forced Shiva to sit next to her. After she opened her eyes, he looked her in the eye and asked, “Why are you taking such pains, Banu? We were going to meet up again on the 3rd, anyway?”

“It’s no big deal, da. But you know, I was just thinking of you when I was waiting at the gate. And, I was just watching these Monitors for flight updates. It was just a minor thing but I saw this message for ‘First-class upgrades’ and I immediately thought of you starting on your research work and how you always promise me a first-class ticket when you’re done. And, I just felt that the year you’re going to start this…I wanted you to be with me and Cheeka on New Year’s at midnight.”

He looked at her for a few seconds, unable to come up with a reply that would do justice to how much he meant to her, when he suddenly heard a lady shout, “God…” They turned to see a much-pregnant lady, unmindful of her frailty, who had slipped, while climbing the stairs. Her husband then helped her, chiding her for insisting on the Temple visit, with this kind of a ‘burden.’ The lady then smiled and said, “’Burden?’ Are you crazy?!”

Shiva turned to look at Banu. He looked into her eyes for a few seconds, smiled at her and then bent down to touch her feet.

***THE END***

Sunshine At Dusk (Part III of IV)

Banu went about cleaning her apartment with great enthusiasm, in anticipation of spending that Sunday evening and the whole of Monday with Shiva.

Shiva did not talk much on their car ride from LA to Irvine since he did not want to distract Banu who was driving the vehicle, as she relied a bit on lip-reading during conversations. After reaching her apartment, she asked him whether he was hungry for which he replied in the negative. After introducing him to her roommates and showing him around the apartment, she asked him, “Do you want to take a nap or something, da? You look tired.”

He replied, “No, no, I’m fine. I’ll just go wash my face. Banu, remember you telling me about that lake that’s close by. Can we just go for a walk there?”

She said, “Sure, we can go there. It’s just a mile from here. Do you want to go like right now or…?”

He nodded and said, “Yeah, we’ll go now.”

They walked around the breathtakingly beautiful lake, the stillness of the waters and the muted colors of twilight combining to lend the place a certain tranquility. Banu said, “This kind of a place is right up your alley, no? You couldn’t find this in Pittsburgh, for sure!”

He laughed and said, “Oh, yeah! It’s beautiful. Can we sit down for a few minutes, Banu?”

“Sure,” she said as they sat on the grass. He began to recount the days he spent in India, Banu asking him very few questions as usual. After he told her about the happenings at the wedding and how he felt when he then went to the Orphanage, she said, “Come on, da. Appa and I are…”

He interrupted her and said, “No, I know. It’s just…I know you have always treated me like family but still that complex that it’s just ‘like family’ and not really belonging to a family as such, has just been weighing on my mind since that day. You’ve known me for what…for as long as you can remember?! Have I ever told you something like this? Hmmm…the day I left Bangalore, I wanted to get Karthi Sir a ‘Sorry’ card so I went to Archie’s. There, I saw these greeting cards for Raksha Bandhan[1]…Banu, in spite of both of us having a common ‘Mother’ in Chithra Ma, I know that neither of us have ever referred to each other as brother or sister and all…but, I just want that sense of belonging…so, please tie this around my wrist, Banu,” he said, as he took a Rakhi from his bag.

Banu took the Rakhi from him, and instead of tying it around his wrist, she said, “Shiva, please. You and I don’t really need all of this, da. Let me tell you this. This is pretty much the same thing I said to Appa when he first broached the topic of arranged marriage to me last month. You were the first person that he suggested and asked me what I felt about you. I was like, there is no one word to describe the bond that you and I have. To me, there’s a certain kind of beauty in not trying to define something that’s actually indefinable, in not trying to give a form to something that’s actually incorporeal. And, it’s that unique kind of beauty that I enjoy in my relationship with you, Shiva. That, something like marriage, as Appa suggested or this thing that you’re saying…I mean, our relationship just transcends all that, da. Please…I just don’t want you to feel the need for a family or something tangible like this Rakhi when the fact is you’re like the person who really means the world to me...really.”

He did not exactly know how to react to this and though he did see meaning in her words, he was a tad disappointed as he put the Rakhi back in his bag. She asked, “Are you upset with me, da?”

“No, no, no. I understand. I mean I’ve just been feeling a certain kind of way, that’s all. That’s…that’s fine. Let’s get going.”

Seeing the disappointment writ largely on his face, she joked, “Gosh, if I’d tied this around your wrist, you then would’ve had to give me a gift for that, right??” in an effort to lighten the atmosphere.

“Totally pathetic, you are!” he said, as the two of them laughed at each other.

That night, Shiva went to sleep earlier than usual. A few minutes after Banu checked her e-mail and placed an online order (for a couple of Indian Movies on DVD) she went to the living room where she saw Shiva fast asleep on the couch. She took out the Rakhi from his bag and tied it around his wrist. She was about to tap him on his shoulder when she decided against waking him up, for she knew that it must have been quite a while since he had slept well, and smiled to herself with a pinch of pride, knowing that it was her comforting presence that was the reason.

The next morning after he woke up, he walked out to the balcony where she was having her chai, and said, in a childish tone, “You didn’t have to do this just for my sake, okay?”

Brushing his hair, she said smilingly, “Stupid kiddo da, you are! If that were the case, I would’ve done it at the lake itself. Forget about it…it’s no big deal.”

“Thanks anyway, Banu,” he responded. “What gift do you want, now?”

“Not a gift really. But it’s a wish. And, I wont take ‘no’ for an answer. So now, should I ask you? Or, are you going to renege on the deal? You decide!”

With a puzzled look he replied, “Go ahead, tell me. What is it?”

“Will you, after getting back to Pittsburgh, join this Yoga class?” she asked, handing him a printout. “One of my new acquaintances here was giving me this lengthy baashan[2] about how our breathing patterns are such an important part of us and how much yoga helps. So, I found out if there was something near our apartment there. This is just a couple of blocks away, da. Will you try it out and see if this helps in anyway? I wont force you…but I’d be really, really happy if you did this for me.”

He grinned mischievously and said, “Hmmm…somebody is not going to take ‘no’ for an answer…what can I do? Okay, will go find out...”.

That afternoon, remembering Karthikeyan’s words, he broached the topic of her marriage and convinced her to at least give it a little thought and not rule it out. She acquiesced and before he left her apartment, he sent Karthikeyan an e-mail asking him to write to her in detail about the proposals he had in mind.

***

Shiva did join the Yoga class, which met three times a week. Things were normal at work as well. But he was still unable to find that inner peace that he was yearning for, the lack of which was contributing to fits of temper, loss of sleep and an overall lack of balance. There was only so much that Banu could do, that too in a bicoastal relationship. Keeping to himself before and after work, he had the tendency to revisit his bitter experiences--his break-up with Jothi in particular—in his mind, perceiving them as the incomplete chapters of his life. That those chapters were ‘meant’ to end that way was a line of thought that was beyond his comprehension because unlike Banu, he neither found any comfort in any supernatural power nor had belief in fate laying out its own course for people.

For Banu, life was to take a new turn, having agreed to meet a 26-year old named Srikanth as part of the arranged marriage process. He was actually Karthikeyan’s last choice among the guys he had in mind for Banu, for the others comprised of Doctors and Engineers, two professions that middle to upper middle class Indian parents are most comfortable with, when looking for a match for their children! But Banu was keener on meeting Srikanth, one of the creative forces behind “Nisha,” a small, much-acclaimed independent English film, with a cast of unknowns, that she had described in her review for “@ITude” as “the stunning debut of the writer-director duo of Cheeka (Srikanth), a scriptwriter of exquisite emotional insight and Vishwa, a director with the polish and assurance of a veteran in his presentation.”

In spite of his own preferences, Karthikeyan was happy that Banu had at least shown some interest and so, he got in touch with Srikanth’s parents (who lived in Bangalore, as well) through a mutual friend and after both parties exchanged photos and horoscopes of Srikanth and Banu, they arranged for the two of them to meet up in a small coffee shop in Long Beach. Banu had suggested the place and they agreed to meet up there that Saturday afternoon at around 3:30, the messages required to set up the meeting being transmitted from Banu to Karthikeyan, to Srikanth’s parents, to Srikanth and back!

Srikanth’s Uncle (who lived in Los Angeles) had come to the coffee shop to drop him and briefly meet Banu. She was there a little early and so, just waited at a table for two, near the glass windows. As she saw Srikanth – flowers in hand – and his Uncle approach her, she got up and said, “Hello.”

His Uncle said, “Banu?”

She smiled and said, “Yeah. Hi!” as she shook hands with him.

She and Srikanth exchanged glances at each other as Srikanth gave her the flowers. She said, “Thanks! They’re lovely.”

His Uncle said to him, “Okay, I’ll let the two of you talk. Cheeka, I have to go to Costco. I’ll pick you up at around 5:00-ish, okay?”

“Yeah, take your time,” he replied.

After he left, the two of them sat down to talk. Srikanth said, “Gosh, I’m so glad we didn’t have to meet at my Uncle’s or your place! This is much better!”

She smiled and said, “I am surprised it’s this quiet on a Saturday. By the way, I wanted to give you this,” she said, as she gave him the printouts of the two editions of “@ITude” that had her reviews of his two movies.

He looked pleasantly surprised and said excitedly, “Can I quickly read them? I’ll just read one, okay?”

“Sure, go ahead,” she responded and was a little surprised when he chose to read her review of “From the Realm of Darkness.” She took a close look at his expressions as his eyes scanned the document. At the end of it, he read a line from the review, out loud- “With good characterizations and sharp dialogues, the pair proves that ‘Nisha’ was no flash in the pan but overall it is a disappointing follow-up, especially the screenwriter’s contrivance in the climax. My verdict: **½/****”

In a tone of mock disappointment, he said, “How sad…and how ironic that you thought that this wasn’t as bright as ‘Nisha!’”

She replied, “Come on, you haven’t even read my other review!”

He said, “I know you would’ve liked it. How couldn’t you?! It was an awesome film!” Sipping on his chai, he continued, “You know what my favorite tea is?”

She looked puzzled, as he snickered and said, “Immodesty!” He continued in a slightly serious vein, “But, I don’t know why people didn’t like the climax of ‘From the Realm…’” he said, referring to the film which portrayed an elderly man’s tender relationship with his grandson, an alcoholic. After helping him recover from alcoholism, he dies in a train accident on his way to the latter’s University town to attend his grandson’s graduation ceremony. “The burning embers of that train with the grandpa character in it symbolized a kind of brightness, an irony considering the fact that he had rescued his grandson ‘from the realm of darkness.’”

She said, “Well, that’s just how I felt.”

“Well, that’s the way a lot of people felt! Which is why it wasn’t received well either critically or in terms of b-o numbers here or in the Indian metropolises.”

“So, what are you working on, now?”

“On the story of a guy and a girl who meet up in a coffee shop in Long Beach! Just kidding…I don’t know if you read about it. Vishwa and I had a pretty ugly spat after the release of the film and so we split on a professional level. The guy gave an interview to ‘The Hindu,’ passing sarcastic comments on my script and that was the end of that. I mean he’s a talented guy- the way he shot the climax of ‘Nisha,’ I thought it was a virtuoso of shot selection and editing. But I’m very frivolous and easygoing about pretty much everything else in life but not filmmaking…he thought I was overreacting but well, that’s just how I am…am way too protective of my films! So we just shook hands and parted ways! Don’t mistake me. It’s not like someone doesn’t like the film and I get pissed off…it’s just that the criticism has to be constructive…like these reviews!” he said, grinning at her.

He continued, “Right now, I am looking to go independent as a director and I’m hoping to start filming early next year. I even have a bound 90-page script ready. But there’s been some delays in getting the financing so, till then I am assisting a friend of mine, also a Director, with his film. We’re actually done with our shoot in LA. We’re flying to New York Monday, which is where I am going to be, for the next three months and which is where I’m hoping to start shooting my next film…Geez, I hope this coffee shop doesn’t impose any word-limits on people! Sorry, I just have this tendency to keep rambling if someone asks about my plans! Anyways, enough of me! Tell me about yourself…Jesus! ‘Tell me about yourself?’…Sorry if that sounded like an interview question!”

Banu chuckled and said, “I know, it’s kind of weird, this whole thing!” She then spoke with him about her job, her hearing condition, and family, all briefly. The conversation was predominantly light, with the two of them talking more about their common interests, passions and hobbies.

When it was time to leave, he said, “Well Banu, it was a pleasure meeting you. I have your e-mail id here,” pointing to her note on the newsletter. “I’m assuming you’re on Messenger too.”

“Yeah, it was great meeting you. Yeah, I’m on Yahoo!”

“There comes the horrible villain!” he said, laughing at his Uncle. He said to Banu, “I’ll buzz you after I get to New York, okay?”

“Sure. Have a safe trip back!”

That evening Banu wrote to Shiva (she described Srikanth as “Mr. Mile-a-Minute!”) and Karthikeyan about having a very good first impression of Srikanth, much to the delight of Shiva and much to the relief of Karthikeyan.

***

Fall, in Pittsburgh, is a few months of pleasant—at times, delightful—weather, in spite of the rather depressing thought that the leaves would have to ‘let go,’ as the season progressed, after being comfortably ensconced on the trees. But this lent the change in their colors a unique, poignant beauty. Shiva understood the need for Banu to spend time getting to know Srikanth so he reduced the frequency and the duration of his chats with her, unmindful of his loneliness.

On the day he left Irvine, when Shiva was trying to coax her into the arranged marriage process, he had actually told her that this would give him something positive and exciting to look forward to, as he knew that Banu’s happiness would rub off on him and slowly lift him from the dark tunnel he had pushed himself into.

Nearly a month after they first met and after a number of e-mail exchanges and chat conversations Banu and Srikanth set up their second meeting in Pittsburgh, the last weekend of September. It was a meeting that Shiva looked forward to with great eagerness.

While Banu flew in from Irvine that Friday, Srikanth drove to Pittsburgh from New York early Saturday morning, telling them that he would meet up with them at the “India Garden” Restaurant for lunch.

As they waited at the Restaurant, Shiva noticed Banu adjusting her Churidhar and said, “Banu, your dress is fine! Don’t mess it up, okay?!”

Srikanth went into the Restaurant, walked towards their table and said, “Gosh, excuse me!” and immediately stepped out. When he came back, Banu asked, “What happened?”

“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure I left my brains out the door…just kidding! Just wanted to make sure I locked the car.”

Banu grinned and said, “Anyways, this is Shiva.”

Shiva said, “Hello, Cheeka!” for which he replied, “Helloooo, my best friend’s best friend! How are you??”

The three of them then sat together in a booth, Banu sitting opposite the two of them so that she could look at their lips as they spoke.

Srikanth said, “Banu, you look terrific!”

Banu replied, “Thank you!”

He then asked, “And…?”

Knowing that he was expecting a compliment in return, Banu smiled impishly and said, “Are we ready to order?”

He threw his arms up in the air and said to Shiva, “Shiva, my birthday is on the 25^th of November. Can you remember to get me a fishing rod as a gift, then?”

Shiva looked perplexed and asked, “Fishing rod?”

Srikanth gleefully responded, “Yeah, I want to make sure I catch those compliments! Geez Banu…didn’t know you’d make me fish for compliments this pathetically!”

He then launched into a near-breathless monologue- “Gosh…Shiva, I have no idea how you’ve tolerated her for this long! The other day, on chat, I said, ‘I’ve been thinking of you all morning!’ and she replies, ‘Why? You didn’t have filming in the morning, is it??’ I am like ‘duh…’ I don’t know if she’s told you this but I tend to ramble a lot when I write out e-mails but Banu’s replies, as you know, are always short and sweet. So one day I tell her in a sarcastic tone, ‘Banu, send me a mail that’s like 10K, okay?’ and she was all sweet and said, ‘Sure, tomorrow evening after work!’ So, the next evening I receive a mail that’s 11K, only problem being, it was a reply to a 9K mail I’d sent, with all of my text intact, below the few lines she wrote!”

He had a sip of water and continued, “And, this Yahoo! Messenger…we guys are pathetic, Shiva! We think that an entry into the Friends list of a girl on Yahoo! is like an entry into her heart! But you know…a girl can know every bit of our daily routine if we’re on her Friends list because nobody uses these ‘Status Message’ options quite like we do! Because after chatting with Banu, I’ve come to realize that whenever I put, ‘Not at my desk,’ I actually mean, ‘Please leave me a message before I get back to my desk!’ and whenever I put, ‘Out to lunch…back at 1:00,’ I mean, ‘I wish I’d been out to lunch with you!’ and I put ‘Sleeping!’ when I mean, ‘I wish I was…’” he said, as he winked at them.

Banu sniggered and said, “Horrible guy, you are, Cheeka!”

Srikanth laughed and said, “Arrey, I meant, ‘I wish I was wide awake, chatting with you!’ Just kidding…but I’ve never really understood why some guys actually put up that status message! I mean, if you’re going to bed, why not just log the hell out and go to sleep!”

The three of them continued chatting and exchanging jokes for the next hour and a half, and after they finished their meal, Shiva told them that he was going to spend some time in the office and that he would see them in the evening. He did so because he knew that the two of them would have wanted to spend some quality time together.

Banu and Srikanth took a walk around the Carnegie Mellon campus. They then sat on one of the benches next to the tennis courts as he said, “Banu, it’s great to see you again.”

She replied, “Same here, Cheeka!”

“My parents asked me how things are going and I said that I’ve been feeling very positive about this. I know that I just goof around a lot n all…but seriously, I like you a lot.”

She shyly smiled and said, “Same here!”

“What?! You like yourself too?!” He continued, “No, seriously…they’ve been asking me about how comfortable you and I feel in giving them a green signal for an engagement.”

She responded, “Cheeka, I know that we’ve known each other only for a few weeks but it’s been great…it’s been absolutely great. You have given me, Shiva and Appa so much happiness. With Shiva, you won’t believe it- he’s been so happy about this that he has been slowly forgetting about his own worries and bitter memories. Remember I was telling you a little about what happened to him? I’m saying this because one of the reasons why I was hesitant to get into this arranged marriage thing was Shiva. He was really in a wrecked state then that I wasn’t sure if I would have time for all this…really. I was spending all my time after work either talking to him or worrying about him. But the joy this has given him is something that means a lot to me…like the first thing you said to him when you saw him. I am sure that just made his day! And, I really have to thank you for all that. But…I just feel that we should give it a little more time before going in for the engagement.”

“Sure. What is like the time frame you have in mind, Banu?”

“No Cheeka, don’t mistake me. It’s not a question of time frame and all. I mean I just want us to spend a little more time with each other and really try and get to know the depths of each other. I know we’ve been kind of having a lot of fun in our chats and mails and all but I want us both to reach a stage where we both can, when the other one is feeling vulnerable, just make those emotions dissolve instantly. It’s like there is this huge world of difference between saying, ‘I know you will understand,’ as opposed to ‘I hope you will understand.’ Oh my God, am I making sense?”

He smiled and said, “Yeah, yeah…go on. I haven’t lost you as yet!”

“I don’t know. All this might not fit into the conventional arranged marriage process but…it’s just how I feel about it. It’s what happened with Shiva earlier this year that’s probably making me think that way. He and Jothi first met last summer at a mutual friend’s wedding at the Pittsburgh Temple. Everything seemed great, they were attracted to each other, really enjoyed each other’s company and he proposed to her after a couple of months…but things somehow went haywire for them down the line. I mean I won’t blame either of them. It’s just that I think they hadn’t gotten to the stage where they really ‘knew’ each other. Too many explanations, too many misunderstandings and too many conflicts as a result of two just incredibly varied natures that it just turned out to be a disaster in the end. Which is why I just want us both to take things just a little slowly and not get too carried away.”

“I get what you’re saying, Banu. And, I am game. Sure, we’ll give it some more time and see how it goes. You’re saying that we’ll try to strike a meaningful friendship…sure, that makes sense.”

He grinned and said, “All this reminds me of Ms. Nisha’s degrees of separation!!” in reference to a line from “Nisha,” his film about a 20-year-old girl’s experiences as her parents go through a divorce. Srikanth had written the following lines for a scene in the movie, uttered by Nisha about her parents’ divorce-“I feel that men and women have three degrees of separation between them- an arm’s length, a one-inch space and a total lack of space. The toughest thing is to maintain that one-inch space when the urge to go that extra inch becomes too hard to resist…and, they couldn’t resist.”

He continued, “I’ll talk to my parents and tell them about this. They might argue a little but don’t worry. I’ll try and convince them. Have you told your father about this?”

“No, it’s the same with him. Will have a little explaining to do with him! But thanks for understanding, Cheeka.”

Shiva immensely enjoyed spending time with them that weekend, all three of them watching “Nisha” on DVD that Saturday night, with Srikanth’s ‘commentary’ on the side! Srikanth drove back that Sunday afternoon, as he had to be back on location the following morning. But Banu’s flight out of Pittsburgh was on Monday morning.

That Sunday evening after Srikanth left, as the two of them were watching “In the Realm…” Banu paused the DVD in the scene before the train-crash and said, “I don’t want to see it! Anyways, tell me, Shiva. What do you think?"

“It was a good movie!”

“Gosh…it’s the effect of spending time with that crazy fellow! Seriously…tell me, da.”

“Honestly, I think the two of you make a great pair! I really think it’ll work out wonderfully well.”

“Really? That’s good! Anyways, I’ve been wanting to ask you this. Are you ready to look at any girls in this arranged marriage kind of thing?”

“I don’t know, Banu. I think I am slowly getting out of it, especially because of all the excitement with you and Srikanth. I mean, just spending these two days with you guys was so much fun. The Yoga classes have been good too. I try to go there regularly. But at times, something or the other brings out the complex in me and I just lose my sense of control, even if momentarily. For instance, the other day, remember you were telling me about this movie, ‘Shopgirl?’ So, I was reading Ebert’s review and this one line kind of popped out at me. He wrote that a character in the movie was ‘lovable like a puppy that you are delighted belongs to someone else.’ I have no idea why my mind raced all the way back to that conversation I had with Jothi, after I read this. It’s…it’s maddening at times that I think I should wait a little longer before I think of anything new.”

She said, “Shiva, maybe something new will actually make you forget about all of that, da.”

“But if it doesn’t work out…that would be horrible, right?”

“Well…we’ll see. I’ll keep my eyes open and if I see someone whom I think would really be a good match for you…I won’t tell you. I’ll just send a mail to Professor Sir about her!”

***

[1] Traditionally a North Indian festival, Raksha Bandhan is a festival that honors the bond between a girl and a guy whom she considers her ‘brother.’ The sister ties the Rakhi thread around the guy’s wrist, praying for him and the guy in turn makes a tacit promise to be the protective ‘brother’ of the girl, giving her a small gift as a token of love.

[2] Lecture

[3] Darkness

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Part IV of IV:

http://www.e-katha.com/blog/2006/07/sunshine-at-dusk-part-iv-of-iv.html

Sunshine At Dusk (Part II of IV)

As soon as Banu entered the apartment, she knew that something was wrong for she noticed Shiva sitting in front of Chithra Ma’s portrait picture. This was something that he would usually do when he was feeling low or vulnerable. He was going through an old photo album when she placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Shiva?”

He held her hand and responded, “Banu, good that you came back a little early.”

“What happened, da?”

“Jothi broke up with me. And, she’s leaving to India on Tuesday.”

Moving aside the pile of albums, she sat next to him and said nothing. She knew that there was nothing that needed to be said at that moment and that she just had to be there. She joined him in going through the albums and for quite some time, they did not say anything to each other. As he paused to look at a casual dining table snap of her parents, she said, “Look at Appa in this! Won’t even take a second to properly look into the camera when he’s feasting on his ‘vengaaya saambar!’ By the way, I checked mail this morning.” Shaking her head, she continued, “Nothing from Professor Sir as yet!”

He smiled at her and replied, “Oh really? Okay, will talk to him.”

She got up and said, “Okay, get up, da. I’ve got some food from the temple. There’s also some of the cake left. Let’s eat. I’m feeling hungry.”

Later that afternoon, he told her about the conversation he had had with Jothi, Banu listening with rapt attention and without ever asking him or gesturing to him to repeat what he had said. It was not because she had heard every syllable of what he said but rather, she did not want him to utter more words than was necessary for him to vent out his feelings.

***

The day Jothi left Pittsburgh, Shiva was in a dilemma in the hours leading up to her departure because he badly wanted to meet her at the airport but also knew that it would create a very uncomfortable situation for both parties, especially for her. After much reflection, he decided against going to the airport and instead, tried his best to focus on the presentations and demos for the Chicago conference.

Banu tried to spend as much time as she could, with Shiva, usually meeting him at Kiva Han (their favorite coffee shop), during his lunch break and making him watch movies with her, in the evenings. He was not as big a movie buff as she was but she insisted, with the hope that he would have some kind of a diversion in the evenings after she left for Irvine. She spent weekdays in wrapping up things at the University, packing her books and DVDs into boxes and finishing up the paperwork needed for her new job.

The weekend prior to Memorial Day, the two of them went to the Monroeville Mall to get him some new formal wear for the Conference. Banu purchased a few sundries for herself and after a couple of hours of shopping, both of them sat on a bench outside the Mall as the buses were running behind schedule.

Not noticing Banu looking in a different direction, he mumbled, “Gosh, she used to love…” as he looked at the pair of earrings she had purchased. Realizing that she did not hear him, he did not complete his sentence.

But a couple of seconds later Banu turned towards him and said, “You must be missing Jothi, no? Remember all our trips to the Mall together…I’m sorry, da.”

“I’m okay,” he said, smiling at her in a way that she could not quite comprehend.

***

“Mark, look at those guys!” whispered Shiva, as the two of them walked past a rotund man and a lean one seated next to each other in the first-class cabin on their flight to Chicago.

“John Candy and Steve Martin in first-class!” joked Mark, as they found their way towards their seats in the economy class cabin.

“I keep telling my friend Banu that I’d fly her down first-class whenever I do a Ph.D. and am ready to present my thesis defense! I’ve been thinking about…”

Interrupting him, he quipped, “Can we first look at the slides, ‘Doctor’ Shiva?” as he took out his folder.

“You have a Doctorate in the Science of Computers and a Master’s in the Art of Snubbing, Dr. Malloy!” he replied.

The conference in Chicago went well, though Shiva was less than his usual assured self. This led to a couple of tiffs with Mark, the senior of the two, constantly goading him to infuse “a little more life” into the workshops that the two of them conducted. But overall, the trip was a satisfactory one. And, this came as a huge relief to Banu, as she could not join Shiva, thanks to the airfares, which in her words, were shooting through the roof and into the skies, along with the planes!

***

It is only when we want to spend a lot of time with someone does the clock seem to tick faster than usual and this was exactly how Shiva felt in the days leading up to June 8^th, the date that Banu was supposed to leave to Irvine. The evening before her departure, he was helping her pack her suitcase.

As she was retrieving her tops and dresses from her closet, he grinned at her and said, “It’s pack up time!” quoting a line from a movie they saw the previous evening.

He said, “Banu, I know I don’t have to say this to you but have your pocket PC with you at all times…take your tablets everyday, okay? And, make sure you get all of your insurance papers in order as soon as you get there.”

“Don’t worry, da. I’ve spoken with Frances, the HR person there. She seems to be very helpful. Anyways, in my lab, I bumped into a couple of guys, looking for roommates. I’ve asked them to e-mail you.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Forget about that, now. You shoot me a mail whenever you find time, okay? And, of course, evenings try to logon to Yahoo if you can.”

She hugged him and said, “Sure, da. You take care… hmm?”

“Please don’t, Banu,” he said, when he noticed tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ll be okay. You worry too much about me. Really…I’ll be okay.”

That he said those words just to console her was obvious for after he bade goodbye to her at the airport, he told his friends who had offered them a ride to the airport that he had some work and that he wanted to take the shuttle back to Forbes Avenue. This was in spite of them offering to drop him at the apartment.

Back in his apartment, the “sense of vacuum” that Jothi mentioned in their last conversation, gripped him. That night was probably the longest that he had experienced in a long time, the seconds hand of his clock seemingly frozen in time. Paralyzed by loneliness and hemmed in by his own demons, he pondered over his future, a million fears and apprehensions flitting past his mind, the pin-drop silence of the apartment adding to his misery in no small measure. Wide-awake in the wee hours of the morning, he stepped out to the balcony with his laptop and in a moment of vulnerability, decided to send Jothi a “Miss you” e-card. Finally, at around 3:45 am, after “channel-surfing” for what seemed an eternity and still finding it impossible to sleep a wink, he drank a glass of milk, stood in front of Chithra Ma’s picture for longer than usual and went to bed.

The next morning at work, the moment he saw an e-mail notification in his office account indicating that his e-card had been “picked up” by Jothi, he went about pressing “F5” (Refresh) on his “Inbox” page, with such maddeningly high frequency and did so for an extended period of time that out of sheer frustration, he forced himself to leave work for an early lunch after sending her a mail.

Banu meanwhile went about setting up things at her new workplace and her apartment, which she shared with two other girls. The following weekend, Banu and Shiva were chatting on Yahoo! Messenger, after Banu had seen an off-liner from Jothi’s former roommate:

Banu: Meera had left an off-liner…that she saw you at Walgreens this morning…and asked me if you were doing okay. What happened, da? You okay?

Shiva: Why didn’t she ask me directly?? Why the heck does she have to leave you an off-liner…damn it, I didn’t even notice her!

Banu: No, no. She said that she was leaving the store in a hurry…first tell me da, what happened? I am worried…

Shiva: She must not have wanted to face me after all that happened last month…bloody bitch, this Meera.

Banu: Please, da. Don’t lose your temper. And, please…stop cursing and tell me. She said you were talking to a pharmacist in an agitated manner…?

Shiva: What the heck was she doing spying on me…God…what am I talking…I just don’t know why am getting mad at Meera, of all people…I’m sorry, Banu. I’ve been finding it impossible to sleep. I was just asking the pharmacist about some over-the-counter sleeping pills. He just made me wait for such a long time before he answered my question…that doofus. That’s why I lost my cool there…I’m really missing Jo. As long as you were here, it was different…but now, it’s just…I don’t know, am finding it very difficult to cope with it. I am not able to concentrate properly at my meetings…at night I am just so wide-awake it’s depressing…my mind just keeps getting back to that last conversation. I’m just feeling low and guilty…guilty that I made those mistakes…

Banu: I was really thinking that you were slowly getting out of it…I knew you’d feel lonely after I left but…not to this extent, da. First of all, there’s nothing to feel “guilty” about…and about “mistakes”…come on, it’s not like either of you did something terribly wrong. I know its difficult but just look at it as, the two of you weren’t right for each other and shut the whole thing out of your mind.

Banu: And, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…Just throw away those sleeping pills. I’ve read about how addictive they can get and all their ill-effects n all…so, I beg you. Just throw them away…right now, if you can. At nights, watch some movies, just chat with me till you fall asleep…I am three hours behind…so, no probs at all, da. Please do this for my sake…or, for Amma’s sake, rather…

Shiva: Sorry, Banu. I promise…will throw them away, right now. Okay, forget about that. Tell me about the new job…are the folks in your group being nice to the “new kid on the block??” J

Their conversation went on for another hour and later, Shiva did indeed keep up his word and threw the pills into the trashcan, even if after a little deliberation. For her part, Banu chatted with him for long hours at night, even during weekdays, rarely if ever, bringing up any serious topics and instead, talking to him more about movies (the ones she watched and the ones she made him watch!), books and other miscellany.

But as hard as she tried, she could not convince him to either hang out more with their group of friends in Pittsburgh or find another roommate. This was because she rightly feared that he was slowly becoming a loner, in spite of feeling lonely. But he balked at her suggestions and instead told her that he might move to a studio or a one-bedroom apartment at the end of the year, which was when the lease for the current apartment was going to end.

***

On a Sunday morning at the end of June, Shiva sat down at one of the tables outside Kiva Han with a cup of coffee and a bagel, with the sun and the clouds engaged in a keen tussle, seemingly to attract his attention. And, he looked up to see that the sun had come out trumps, even if ephemerally. Later, as he took a stroll down Craig Street towards his workplace, he smiled to himself in the realization that it had been a while since he had truly enjoyed the different shades of that lovely lady, Mother Nature. In an effort to channel this unusual high into some meaningful work, he went into his office to work on a design document. And, it was only after three hours of solid work that he even checked mail, usually the first thing he would do, in the morning.

He had received a new mail from Jothi with the subject “Swathi’s Wedding” and opened it, only to realize that he was one among the many recipients of the mail that also had an attachment- a scanned version of the invitation to her sister’s wedding, which was to be held the last day of July, in Bangalore. The message began with a “Hi everyone,” two words that Shiva’s eyes did not get past, until later in the day when he reopened the mail to read the actual message, which was a kind of an open invitation.

When he stepped out of his office that afternoon, while the sun was parading its wares, his mind was now being clouded with conflicting emotions about the mail he had received.

Later when he discussed it with Banu (who was another recipient of the mail) about it, she rightfully asked him to brush it aside, while suggesting to him that she would send a reply to the mail on their behalf, if he wished. Though he asked her to not respond to the mail, he was, against his better judgment, thinking about it longer than he needed to. But then, mysterious are the inner workings of one’s mind when the heart is in a state of yearning and unfortunately, he began to lose the balance that he was slowly regaining, as dormant emotions began to resurface. Over the next few days, he was thinking of making a trip to India around the end of the month to meet up with Jothi, much against Banu’s wishes.

Since he had accumulated enough vacation time at work, he booked a ticket to Bangalore, leaving Pittsburgh on the 28^th of July and staying there till the following weekend. To Banu, the only consolation was that he was flying through Los Angeles (instead of taking the shorter route via Europe) and so she looked forward to seeing him before and after the trip, especially the latter, because she was going to take a day off to spend some time with him.

She drove (she had purchased a used Honda Accord after moving to Irvine) to the Los Angeles airport where she spent a couple of hours that he had in transit, with him, giving him a shirt, a small packet of almonds and a couple of books, all for her Dad. With only a few minutes left for him to get back to the security checkpoint at the Airport, she told him, “You know, I honestly don’t know why you are doing this.”

He mumbled a few words when she interrupted him and said, “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

He turned towards her and said, “I don’t know, Banu,” the forlorn expression on his face leaving her with no choice but to change the topic.

As he was getting ready to head back to the gate, she held his hands and pleaded, “Shiva…Shiva, you and Appa are all I’ve got, da. I just can’t see you hurting yourself over anything. Do you really have to go?”

Gently patt